hello. I've read some of your articles about romance in your blog and I really like them. This is my story and I would like to hear what you would say about it, and advices you may give. Me and my high school sweetheart were together for about 2 years. We broke up 2 years ago. The reason.. I'm staying where I am now, and he's leaving for his studies. It would take about 6 years to complete his studies in KL and US. We broke up before he left, it was his idea. He mentioned about us going different paths, and would not see each other for a long time. He did not give me any promises to wait for us to graduate or ask me to wait for him, although I wished that he could at least ask.
He's more mature than me, and maybe he knows that he can't 'tie' me since he's not sure about his future, if our long-distanced relationship would survive. Actually I don't mind waiting for him at all, but I never told him that. I didn't want to give him any burden when he needs full concentration on studies. He told me that if we're really meant for each other, even the east and west can't separate us. When we broke up, he told me he wants to focus on his studies and would not think of having any girlfriend yet.
I took it as a promise he gave that he would want me back someday if he wants to be romantically involved with someone again someday. We were each other's first love, and the only love until now. I missed him a lot in these 2 years after we broke up. Sometimes I just wonder if he misses me too. We accidentally bumped into each other last December when he was back from KL and it really caught me off guard. We were both shocked. Not even knowing what to say. I wished so much that he would talk to me, but he didn't. (Well, I didn't take the chance start a conversation too.) On my birthday, he would send me an sms and wish me Happy Birthday.
I was really thrilled and that was the only present I wanted. So, I sent him an email, telling him how I felt when I met him that day. I told him I didn't email him or call him or find him in msn because I'm not sure if he feels comfortable that way. But today, he sent me an offline message saying that he read my email and he told me to drop by anytime when i wanna chat, he said he doesn't mind. I don't know if he has already gotten over me, but one thing I'm sure is that I still like him, and part of my heart is telling me to wait for him. I've never met anyone that makes me feels the same way after we broke up. I've tried to get over him again and again, but sometimes I still believe there's possibilities that we would be together again someday. I keep reminding myself that he's just being friendly, and it has nothing to do with any other special feelings. But I couldn't persuade myself. What do you think about my story?
Is it very silly of me not to tell him that I wanted to wait for him? Or I shouldn't even be waiting at all? It was really tough for me for the first half year after we broke up, because I agreed the break very unwillingly, although knowing the reason is really reasonable. It's the best for us. I'm looking forward to your advices, and thank you for your time. Have a nice day and God bless you.
Well, nothing can really be done about past actions and paths u both have taken, so i'll advise u what u can do now. not on what ifs. Firstly, you need closure, one way or another. You've told me that you've explain how you felt, but what about his reply? did you confess that you still have feelings for him? Did he give you an answer, that provides closure one way or another? If he still has feelings for you and he's unattached, both of you should seriously get back together. You both have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Matter of fact, you should even forward your e mail to me, and probably my reply, to him. Ask him for an honest answer, and respect his decision one way or another. Do not be desperate for an affirmative, because him being with you because he fears you won't be able to stand rejection or because he pities you is no way for a relationship to last. Be brave, and confront the matter like adults. What you've told me was very informative and they're all things that he really ought to know, more than anyone else. At the same time, tell him you will respect his decision anyway, if he doesnt have any more feelings for you, let you know, so you can have closure and move on. However, if he has feelings for you but feels that it's fair that he should let you go, then forward the following at the bottom to him, or rephrase and tell it to him or something. Because honestly, both of you were fools to have ended a relationship that seemed to have every chance of success, yet it was halted prematurely due to some misconceived concept that you were both doing the OTHER a favour.
"Of long distance and breaking up"
I've seen this a dozen times, and it still never fails to put a frown on my face, at the injustice and pure stupidity of this situation.
The scenario: Boy and Girl has a healthy, steady relationship. They've got good foundations. They're in love with each other. Suddenly Boy / Girl has to go overseas for some reason, usually to complete his/her studies. What happens next? Right out of a Korean soap series text book : They break up in order to not "force" the other to hold on. I know what a majority of you are thinking.
"That sounds like a good idea, why force your partner to hold on to you, long distance, JUST IN CASE he/she meets someone better?"
Right.
So why get into a relationship in the first place then?
"Hi there. I'm deeply in love with you. And you are deeply in love with me. But let's not get together JUST IN CASE we meet someone better".
Or if you prefer, how about an old JUST IN CASE joke? I'm pretty sure everyone of you, even those who says that the scenario seems like a right thing to do, has laughed at the stupidity at this joke. Well then, read this joke again, and compare it with the scenario.
"Hey, son, go fetch me a pail of water, and make sure you don't spill a single drop or i'll whack you!" "Okay papa." As the son turns to leave, the father suddenly turns around starts to whack the crap outta the boy. "What was that for papa?" "JUST IN CASE."
How is it any different from this scenario? Has the foundation of the relationship changed just because you're physically apart? Is the reason you love each other at all influenced by the distance the both of you are from each other? When you said you loved him, did you ever say "I love you because you're near me". Well, unless the only reason you two love each other is for the great sex you two are getting, then distance hasn't really affected the relationship has it? The beauty of the modern day is it's just so easy to stay in touch with one another, no matter how far you are from each other. You can communicate in real time, anywhere with a mobile, and even see each other via Webcam or Video Call. Plus, both of you can always take a flight to see each other during the holidays!
So why jump the gun?
Why break up over something that hasn't happened yet? Have both boy and girl tried long distance relationship yet? Both party has not even experienced any troubles yet, and not even tried it, so why break up on an "what if" or "just in case"?
What's that i hear?
"Oh, this is to prepare for the event that it does happen."
Oh in that case why not take a gun and blow your brains out RIGHT NOW? You know, give yourself a quick and clean death (figuratively speaking), JUST IN CASE within the next 10 minutes you're going to die an extremely gruesome and long death.
So you see, breaking up isn't "preparing" for the worse, or even "self sacrificing". As you can read above, it doesn't help anyone. Because if both parties read this, and both truly love each other for reasons besides good sex, they'll both definitely want to continue the relationship. Its just plain stupidity.
PREPARATION
If you really DO want to prepare for the possibility of finding someone new, or finding that long distance is not working out, perhaps it would be a good idea to talk it out. Agree that if either one finds someone better, or finds that long distance isn't working out, both parties should not be afraid to voice it out.
BUT YET, doesn't this already sound familiar? Is it at all different from a normal close distance relationship? Sure you two love each other with all your hearts and soul but you both realise "shit happens". You both may or may not fall in love with someone else. Its a mutual, silent and unspoken understanding. Yet does that mean you both should not give this a try?
If you live your life always fearing what ifs, then you'll never live life at all. Why bother to eat, sleep, love, when there is a possibility that something (u can basically put anything horrible here) may happen?
"Self sacrifice", when noone gets happy, when noone has anything to gain, isn't being noble. Its being selfish. YOU alone are afraid, and because you are afraid of something, you wish to avoid it, and create self delusions that what you're doing is for the betterment of both parties.
Comics by Azyzephre, Pon and Zi
He's more mature than me, and maybe he knows that he can't 'tie' me since he's not sure about his future, if our long-distanced relationship would survive. Actually I don't mind waiting for him at all, but I never told him that. I didn't want to give him any burden when he needs full concentration on studies. He told me that if we're really meant for each other, even the east and west can't separate us. When we broke up, he told me he wants to focus on his studies and would not think of having any girlfriend yet.
I took it as a promise he gave that he would want me back someday if he wants to be romantically involved with someone again someday. We were each other's first love, and the only love until now. I missed him a lot in these 2 years after we broke up. Sometimes I just wonder if he misses me too. We accidentally bumped into each other last December when he was back from KL and it really caught me off guard. We were both shocked. Not even knowing what to say. I wished so much that he would talk to me, but he didn't. (Well, I didn't take the chance start a conversation too.) On my birthday, he would send me an sms and wish me Happy Birthday.
I was really thrilled and that was the only present I wanted. So, I sent him an email, telling him how I felt when I met him that day. I told him I didn't email him or call him or find him in msn because I'm not sure if he feels comfortable that way. But today, he sent me an offline message saying that he read my email and he told me to drop by anytime when i wanna chat, he said he doesn't mind. I don't know if he has already gotten over me, but one thing I'm sure is that I still like him, and part of my heart is telling me to wait for him. I've never met anyone that makes me feels the same way after we broke up. I've tried to get over him again and again, but sometimes I still believe there's possibilities that we would be together again someday. I keep reminding myself that he's just being friendly, and it has nothing to do with any other special feelings. But I couldn't persuade myself. What do you think about my story?
Is it very silly of me not to tell him that I wanted to wait for him? Or I shouldn't even be waiting at all? It was really tough for me for the first half year after we broke up, because I agreed the break very unwillingly, although knowing the reason is really reasonable. It's the best for us. I'm looking forward to your advices, and thank you for your time. Have a nice day and God bless you.
Well, nothing can really be done about past actions and paths u both have taken, so i'll advise u what u can do now. not on what ifs. Firstly, you need closure, one way or another. You've told me that you've explain how you felt, but what about his reply? did you confess that you still have feelings for him? Did he give you an answer, that provides closure one way or another? If he still has feelings for you and he's unattached, both of you should seriously get back together. You both have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Matter of fact, you should even forward your e mail to me, and probably my reply, to him. Ask him for an honest answer, and respect his decision one way or another. Do not be desperate for an affirmative, because him being with you because he fears you won't be able to stand rejection or because he pities you is no way for a relationship to last. Be brave, and confront the matter like adults. What you've told me was very informative and they're all things that he really ought to know, more than anyone else. At the same time, tell him you will respect his decision anyway, if he doesnt have any more feelings for you, let you know, so you can have closure and move on. However, if he has feelings for you but feels that it's fair that he should let you go, then forward the following at the bottom to him, or rephrase and tell it to him or something. Because honestly, both of you were fools to have ended a relationship that seemed to have every chance of success, yet it was halted prematurely due to some misconceived concept that you were both doing the OTHER a favour.
"Of long distance and breaking up"
I've seen this a dozen times, and it still never fails to put a frown on my face, at the injustice and pure stupidity of this situation.
The scenario: Boy and Girl has a healthy, steady relationship. They've got good foundations. They're in love with each other. Suddenly Boy / Girl has to go overseas for some reason, usually to complete his/her studies. What happens next? Right out of a Korean soap series text book : They break up in order to not "force" the other to hold on. I know what a majority of you are thinking.
"That sounds like a good idea, why force your partner to hold on to you, long distance, JUST IN CASE he/she meets someone better?"
Right.
So why get into a relationship in the first place then?
"Hi there. I'm deeply in love with you. And you are deeply in love with me. But let's not get together JUST IN CASE we meet someone better".
Or if you prefer, how about an old JUST IN CASE joke? I'm pretty sure everyone of you, even those who says that the scenario seems like a right thing to do, has laughed at the stupidity at this joke. Well then, read this joke again, and compare it with the scenario.
"Hey, son, go fetch me a pail of water, and make sure you don't spill a single drop or i'll whack you!" "Okay papa." As the son turns to leave, the father suddenly turns around starts to whack the crap outta the boy. "What was that for papa?" "JUST IN CASE."
How is it any different from this scenario? Has the foundation of the relationship changed just because you're physically apart? Is the reason you love each other at all influenced by the distance the both of you are from each other? When you said you loved him, did you ever say "I love you because you're near me". Well, unless the only reason you two love each other is for the great sex you two are getting, then distance hasn't really affected the relationship has it? The beauty of the modern day is it's just so easy to stay in touch with one another, no matter how far you are from each other. You can communicate in real time, anywhere with a mobile, and even see each other via Webcam or Video Call. Plus, both of you can always take a flight to see each other during the holidays!
So why jump the gun?
Why break up over something that hasn't happened yet? Have both boy and girl tried long distance relationship yet? Both party has not even experienced any troubles yet, and not even tried it, so why break up on an "what if" or "just in case"?
What's that i hear?
"Oh, this is to prepare for the event that it does happen."
Oh in that case why not take a gun and blow your brains out RIGHT NOW? You know, give yourself a quick and clean death (figuratively speaking), JUST IN CASE within the next 10 minutes you're going to die an extremely gruesome and long death.
So you see, breaking up isn't "preparing" for the worse, or even "self sacrificing". As you can read above, it doesn't help anyone. Because if both parties read this, and both truly love each other for reasons besides good sex, they'll both definitely want to continue the relationship. Its just plain stupidity.
PREPARATION
If you really DO want to prepare for the possibility of finding someone new, or finding that long distance is not working out, perhaps it would be a good idea to talk it out. Agree that if either one finds someone better, or finds that long distance isn't working out, both parties should not be afraid to voice it out.
BUT YET, doesn't this already sound familiar? Is it at all different from a normal close distance relationship? Sure you two love each other with all your hearts and soul but you both realise "shit happens". You both may or may not fall in love with someone else. Its a mutual, silent and unspoken understanding. Yet does that mean you both should not give this a try?
If you live your life always fearing what ifs, then you'll never live life at all. Why bother to eat, sleep, love, when there is a possibility that something (u can basically put anything horrible here) may happen?
"Self sacrifice", when noone gets happy, when noone has anything to gain, isn't being noble. Its being selfish. YOU alone are afraid, and because you are afraid of something, you wish to avoid it, and create self delusions that what you're doing is for the betterment of both parties.
Comics by Azyzephre, Pon and Zi
3 comments:
Stumbled here from your signature.
Great article. Had a good read and I do agree with your point of view. You have a good head on your shoulders =]
and oh yeah, *smack* "Just in case"
(Russel Peters)
-Tats
My boyfriend and I recently broke up because he transferred to London with work. We gave the long distance thing a go - it is not for the faint hearted. It sounds like it would be simple, but in reality it is alot of pressure and heart ache. Missing the one you love so intensely can be unbearable at times. When we were both making the decision to break up, we were both crying. We told each other we loved each other and that when he returns (which we're not sure when that will be yet) that we will see where we are at and if it's meant to be we will be together. I love him more than I've loved anyone before, but being apart was tearing us apart. I think he is the one and he told me that I will be forever in his heart. I think sometimes if you love someone, let them go, if they return to you their heart is yours to keep.
i like your pictures!! mind if i grab some? ... what site are they from? i always see them in facebook
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