The common pre LDR scenario.

Some of the contents may have been edited to preserve anonymity.

Greetings,

When I was browsing the net for a relationship solution with a sore heart this morning, something directed me to your blog and here I am, emailing you for advice after reading some of your persuasive blog entries.
This story might be extremely complicated to you or some, so I'll try to make it simple and hope you'll be patient. And I apologize for any vague information given e.g. places or names. Thank you. So here is how it goes:

It was back in February that I met this special girl at this special place. It's weird to say this but she's couple of years younger than me; to be exact, she's 16. The feeling I had when I first saw her was pure crush, as I was attracted by her smile and open-minded personality. At first I thought it might just be typical crush which I'll forget on the following day. But things got worse instead. We constantly meet each other at the same place from time to time since, and each time we had had at least an hour to talk to each other, and we often made up memorable conversations. The feeling grows, and I felt really comfortable being with her, and the feeling just gets better each time.

I started texting and calling her two months ago after I got her private number. We even went out twice and everything was perfect, the feeling was so great. Since then, my mind is full of her; everywhere I go, everything I do. Whenever she's around I feel so complete, feel so intact; her voice is like a solace to all the problems and stress I'm undergoing. Before I knew it, I'm in love. It's strange but I really want her to be part of my life, I want to share her sorrows and happiness, show her my world, anything you can think of.

For some reasons she's not really into this kinda of relationship, even though she knows that I fell for her, still she asks me to wait, for don't-know-how-long, maybe after her studies. But there was this call 3 weeks ago when i slipped my tongue and told her that I'm leaving this country next year for my studies. It was then she went depressed and emotional on the phone and said the "L" word to me. It was bizarre, I felt guilty to have her say that word because of this reason, but it was beautiful. She allowed me to confess after her exams (which is 2 weeks later). Our relationship were great after that phone call, it was one of the happiest moment thus far. Just by reading her message she sent to me in a Sunday morning had made my day. At this gap of time I try my best every to make her happy, to cheer her up and to make her proud of me.

But things went incredibly awry two days ago when she said she was uncertain of this relationship and said maybe I shouldn't even confess to her, just out of a sudden. I asked her is it my fault but she said no. I asked her to tell me what's wrong and what's in her mind but she refused to tell me. I thought back of the things we said in between but nothing went wrong. She just cast that out in a sudden and I'm so helpless now. One of the reason she told me is that since I'm leaving, the emotion may kill her when we separate sometime next year. but won't I be suffering from the same pain as her? Why can't we just go through this together? Why can't we spend the rest of the remaining time happily together? She's quite a religious person and a obedient girl at home, but all of those have also point and directed her to me; her pray gave her a green light, her friends and even her family did the same thing; so why does she want to go against her own will and beliefs? Won't she just stop running around like a lost kitten and be honest to herself?

Since then my eyes filled with tears every time I think of that cause I'm scared, I'm scared that I'll lose her. It's less than two weeks now till the big day, and I really want to say or do something that will make her feel better or better still, change back to the things that were before. Maybe she feels uncertain or lost and still finding herself or maybe because of the EXAM. but what is the best thing I can do? I'm old enough to understand that love doesn't mean obsession, but I just can't help it. I know I won't leave her, but I need her love and to be loved, I want to be together... please advice...

This is actually very simple, and the problem lies in the fact you've misread her problems. She's actually already told it to you.

She's afraid that when the day comes for you to leave for overseas, that'll be the end of the relationship. She's calling it off now because thats what she believes will happen.

Have you told her your stand on whats going to happen to both of you when you leave? For how long? If its not permanent how will you keep in touch, how often will you come back for visits and how long? How strong a foundation will you have by the time you leave to help ensure the relationship will actually last the long distance? I won't say that a year is or is not enough to have a strong foundation as it varies from relationship to relationship.

These are all important questions and issues you must address and discuss with her, if you have not. As a matter of fact you should have done this from the very beginning if you are actually serious in this relationship.

If you do not intend to continue the relationship then the decision to end it now is actually the right thing to do. And i can actually presume this is your intention. When she tells you she is trying to avoid the pain of breaking up when you leave, instead of addressing the issue "LDR does not mean break up" you instead said "wouldn't i feel that pain too?". It appears you are resigned to a break up. Which begs the question are you mentally ready to go LDR.

While you've romantic and poetic in telling me while why you love her, but they've all been describing emotions, which tend to be biased. Ask yourself why you love her and give yourself objective reasons. What qualities does she have that makes her a suitable mate? "she makes me feel..." are biased points of view, and the ability to note objectively why you two would make a suitable couple and be able to last the long distance would truly prove that you are indeed the "crush" stage.

You may need her love and to be loved. But a relationship goes both ways. Do your best to reassure her of that the impending long distance relationship will last, and check your foundation. And the foundation of the relationship also has to go both ways. She may have all the traits you've been looking for, but if all she's felt for you has been a giddy school girl crush, then the relationship again will not last the distance.

Reevaluate your relationship. And discuss your reevaluation with her. Instead of your wants and assuming you are offering what she needs, find out directly from her and try to meet her requirements. It looks to me that what she wants right now is a vision that the relationship is actually going somewhere rather than a 1 year fling. So address this issue, and you'd only be able to address it best if you yourself can answer the questions i asked earlier.