Ask Brother Baronic 1

I've decided that letters/emails received from now on, will go under the heading "Ask Brother Baronic" for reference purposes.



QUESTION:

hello there. I'm Rogue, 23, and I've read your post about relationships. I also have a problem with my boyfriend. My bf is only 21 yrs old. When I met him, he was actually single for 3 years because he was hurt in his past. It was actually his first love, so memories left a wound in him. He gave all his attentions and affection to this girl that I wish I was getting. But they say it was his past and I should forget about it because he said he already did too. The thing is, he said he's changed because of what happened. Now, I'm the one whose suffering, I think. I envy his ex because like I said he gave that attention that I wish I am getting. The bottom line is, I'm the one whose bothered with his past and getting emotional with it. So we always fight over little things. Then, another issue is that, he looks at every pretty girls around even I am there. He even had a crush in one of my officemates here. He knows that I have this jealousy thing and he always tease me about his girl crushes or that pretty chick he sae, he sometimes do it intentionally to make me jealous. But I he loves me, I can feel it, it's just that I expect too much from him coz I want him to give me that kind of love he gave to his ex. But he said, it will be impossible, "he's changed".

Now, we're living in same house and we work in the same office and one department which means we're always together, which is good for me. But next year, he's going to pursue his dreams, finished school and work abroad. That makes everything worse for me. He told me about his plans, he said though I want to focus on my studies, I don't want to break up. But I'm being emotional again and overreacted, thinking of negative things, what if he found someone there or this or that. What if he neglected me completely etc. So we fight and fight about the issue, until one day, I decided to break up with him, I'm the one who initiated and he finished it. I thought it was the end. Then, I realized my faults, apologize to him and beg him to come back. We talked and make another solution again. Evrything was fine. But then, the other day, my officemate told me, he saw my bf searching his crush' name on FB. I confronted my bf, we fight, I pack up and he actually helped me carry my bag. But then, I realized again my fault and apology and promised not to do it again.

But, he seemed hesitant about everything now, he's afraid that it might happen again and he's tired of it. He said he wants to be alone, besides he's going to work abroad after studying and leave me here.:( He said he doesn't want me to get hurt again, he said he knows his faults and he said sorry to me. What bothers me when he works abroad is the thing he said, that he can't promise me to be faithful there, since temptations are everywhere. That's why I am so worried. I am bothered of the things he's saying to me, that he can't promise to be faithful...even at school. He said he was just saying the possibilites for me to prepared, he wants to see what will I do if this or that happen. He said he was disspointed because I easily overreact even when he's joking about girls, what if the bigger issues? how will I handle those? Sometimes, I can't understand him. He's tired of me now..I'm worried..I love him so much..he knows that too. Sometimes, I even think he wants to break up with me but can't do it because of pity. He knows how it feel to get hurt and he doesn't want to happen that to me. I don't know him anymore...what should I do?

Thanx!
Rogue.

ANSWER:

Is he your first relationship? I (and probably everyone else in the world) can attest to the fact the first serious relationship is bound to be something different and special. Special, in not necessarily the best of ways. For one thing we would young, we would be naive regarding our views on what our relationship should be like. Our only reference would be dopey soap operas depicting how love can conquer any obstacles no matter what. As we grow up, as we get involved, this view changes and reality sets in. No matter how much we "love" each other things are never going to work out if we cannot compromise and we both have several strong views that differ. So yes, a first serious relationship may start out in a typical soap opera fashion but it soon fade away. So dont live a relationship based on the big screen expecting a fully insanely all about you devoted little man puppy. I'm all for romanticism, but what you expect from him right now is a lil on the extreme side, and too heavily influenced by the big screen. And you can't expect him to behave exactly the same as when in the first. Its probably in some ways better for you too. The only thing thats contant in this universe is change.

"Checking girls out"

While i cannot vouch for his fidelity, i think the both of you, and i mean the BOTH of you should read the blog post i wrote regarding the differences between relationships and crushes. He should read it so he doesnt mistake a physical attraction or fetish as love. And you should read it because if you've read it, he's read it, and you both agree with it, then you've really got nothing to worry about. Its just a crush.

Men are genetically inclined to be attracted to more than one person, even more so than females. Females look for a mate, are generally more selective, and tends to stick with em because females only have one "egg" at any one time. Men meanwhile have a genetic impulse to spread their seeds as much as possible in order for evolution to carry on his legacy. This is of course highly general and does not apply to EVERYONE.

That said of course, it doesnt mean he has a right to hump every single moving thing. We are more than just the basest of animals. We can think, and more importantly we have emotional attachments that affects our thinking as well. It is just an explaination for his attraction towards other girls.

Its just a crush. He's just checking them out. And at the risk of advocating on his behalf, it does not mean he loves them. The most important thing is knowing the difference between attraction and love. (again the both of you should read my entry on the difference between love and crushes).

It is very good that he's letting you know all this. The chances of him cheating on is much more slim if he actually takes the decision to let you know about it than keeping quiet about it. If he lets off his pent up attraction feelings on you, he doesnt let it eat away at him and make him do something stupid. You should laugh with him, encourage him to open up, and if u want give a friendly reminder that you hope he knows that its just a silly crush and he knows who he loves and who loves him too. Dont discourage him from openning up to you.

Even if he checks her out on facebook, it would sorta depend. True. It seems a lil alarming. Maybe he's just entertaining his lil attraction a bit more. Maybe its something worse. Again it would depend on his ability to differentiate between love and crushes. But i do not think exploding as you did solved anything. Perhaps it would have been better to raise your concerns by asking him if you should be worried, tell him his actions are beginning to make you feel insecure.

But bear in mind it won't change his nature. Just he'll probably be more discreet about it. It wont change that he finds her attractive.

Regarding your other insecurities and worries, i don't know what you're referring to, but fighting about it doesnt resolve the matter. Neither does swallowing what you feel and apologising about it. You're merely sweeping the dust underneath the rub. As the dust pile grows you're going to have to deal with it sooner or later.

But he's leaving already. Next year. A long distance relationship requires a good strong foundation that results in trust. You have neither, due to lack of resolution of problems, and his self admittance that he may not be loyal. It brings into question his seriousness about the current relationship. I would say yes, you've already lost him, just have not gone through the formalities yet. You dont have the sufficient time you need to resolve the issues and build trust.

Perhaps it would be better to give yourself some closure by calling it off. You could still remain friends and you can keep your option open, perhaps you'll get back together again. But the current situation, i do not think its worth foreswearing how you'll wait for him. The current relationship's not worth it. And perhaps if you should evaluate if he's worth it. Because maybe he's just not ready for the type of commitment you're looking for, judging by his stand on long distance relationships. You're looking for love straight from the movies. He's looking for companionship. You want the warm feeling of being loved, while the thrill of attraction seems to still really affect him.

If you want to save the relationship, trust and communication is the key. If it cannot be done, perhaps the both of you are just not the right combination for each other. Or maybe its just a little too late, since he's already going overseas soon.